Our Great British Holiday..

We have just got back from a "random holiday" booked at the last minute by myself, also known as a two night stay in a cheap caravan in Weymouth. These summer holidays have been dragging, with both boys fighting, so it was worth the £80 to save my sanity (and yes I am now one of "those" mum's who moan about spending six whole weeks with my two boys.. it's too bloody hard!).

Now, I do feel a bit sorry for my boys as we have zero funds to ever go abroad and, unless we win the lottery, it's just not going to happen in the future. Those who say "it's cheaper to go abroad" are talking rubbish. Find me a holiday for under £700 for four of us for a week (in school hols) and I will change my mind.

So we packed up the car, packed the food (to save money) and loaded in Billy (the pup) who, by the way, has now developed car sickness so can no longer travel in the boot. A crazy pup attached to a seat belt is an experience. For those who have seen "Marley and Me" that was us!

After a a few hours stuck in traffic with many "are we nearly there"'s we finally got to our destination. "The Willerby" caravan. It wasn't a posh caravan and I thought my husband was going to cry as it was so quiet, but the views were amazing and the caravan was spotless. I also got a little excited when I realised they had all the "mod cons" like a tin opener, microwave and tea towel. I'm so easily pleased! 
 
The boys, and the pup, were really excited when we got there. We had our own garden so they immediately got the football out and started playing. I sat on the bench looking at the views and my husband kept saying "god it's quiet". My husband is more used to the arcade caravan site holidays which we have been doing for the last few years. Again the kids love that type of holiday but in all honesty I'm so sick of arcades so wanted a bit more of a balance this year.

I must admit, my heart sank a little when we arrived, as it wasn't exactly luxury, but then I thought back to my childhood. The only holidays we ever had were caravan holidays and they really were basic. The toilets were in the shower block and the table used to change into a bed. But you know what? those holidays were the best holidays. I remember playing board games in the caravan, with the rain pouring down outside making that tapping noise, I remember the days on the beach building sandcastles, digging a hole and putting the towel over it so my dad fell down it, I remember running round the beach with our dog, I remember playing outside the caravan on the farm, skipping and jumping.. these were all simple but good memories.

Over the next couple of days we played bat and ball in garden,    made an assault course, chased after Billy constantly for trying to dig up the garden, went to the Beach, went to the arcades (once) and ate ice cream on the pier. The boys learnt how to play draughts in the caravan and we played snap. There was a TV so they also watched abit of that (I didn't have that luxury in my day!).

Overall the kids had a great time. It was simple, not at all expensive,but was still a little adventure for them. Maybe I feel this way as I have no other option but to have these type of holidays, but are many kids missing out on these experiences? For myself, it's made me appreciate the smaller more basic things in life. Unless you really experience basic you will never truly appreciate luxury and that's one lesson I strive to teach my boys...

Parenting books are not designed for the real world!

Parenting books..many of us have read them.. we do it as we feel it will make us better parents, more informed, educated parents who have a tool bag of techniques for any situation. If you haven't read the books you may have seen posts or blogs being shared on Facebook from different gentle parenting site. How to really connect with your child, how to stay calm and "with" your child whilst they are practically verbally or physically abusing you.

I have a book case of books, there are two which really have helped me get the basics in place and I still attempt to implement their techniques when I'm usually losing the will to live. However, the majority are just bollocks (excuse my language). If I just had one of my children, either one, I could perhaps make some of the techniques work but when you have one child kicking off, due to nobbly socks, whilst the other is kicking off about something else it's just near on impossible to implement. The funniest book was about dealing with fighting siblings. "empathise with the victim and ignore the hitter".. err.yeah that's great until you have two boys scrapping and hitting each other! Who's the bloody victim? Who started it?  Oh and don't get me started on the fact you have to actually leave the house for school or pre-school. None of these books seem to give you a quick two minute method of sorting out the problem, leaving the house, getting in the car with all children and dog to get to school in 5 minutes!

 

Then you have the books about parenting without conditions or without rewards and punishments. I do understand and agree with the theory behind it and you would never see so much as reward chart in my house (apart from the one a dietitian recently gave me for Harrison). So you read the books, you unconditionally raise your child for the first few years of their life, you feel you are doing a fairly good job and staying away from bribery and time outs. Well guess what? I hate to break it to you but this will last only until they end up going to pre-school or school. These establishments love stars, smilies, time outs "thinking" time,, the list is endless. It's like Super nanny moved in! Many parents love these methods so be prepared to feel like a total wierdo that no one really understands. Trust me, I've tried changing the methods used by emailing research against such techniques but it was a losing battle so I now simply bury my head in the sand and try and let my children know that it's actually OK not to get a smilie for this or that and actually, kind words can mean so much more. So unless you home school or live in a commune don't expect to be able to continue this unconditional way of life for your child.

Now I appreciate this blog may come across negative and many people have found books and blogs helpful. Maybe I have aswell but don't recognise it. Had I not read the books maybe I would be finding parenting even harder than I already do. Maybe I would now be on a plane far far away... who knows? What I do know is parents should not become obsessed with books and feel like a failure if the techniques don't work. Remember you are human and the world is not standing still for you to implement everything you have read. This is the real world...

We are only human!

I wonder how many of us have felt awful for shouting at our children whilst attempting to follow a gentle parenting approach. I wonder how many of us feel bad for moaning, some days hating every second of this job as a parent and wanting/wishing we were far far away on a beach without a child in sight...

To me, these feelings are normal and it doesn't mean I don't appreciate my children. Everyday I realise how lucky I am to have been given this gift. It also doesn't mean I don't realise that children can often only express their feelings in an age appropriate way such as crying screaming and hitting, and that is totally normal. What it does mean is I'm human. I do not have enough patience and tolerance to keep it together 24/7 every day and I admit that. There are days I have had to take myself away into a room to calm down (often with one or both children following me), there are days where I am positively crap at being a parent and have to apologise to my children for being so crap, and there are days where all I want to do is just cry, jack it in, go back to "work" and let someone else deal with my kids. 

I have read so many books surrounding gentle parenting. They are fantastic, the tips work and everyone is happy, feeling great and as a parent you finally feel you are doing a good job... Then you add another child into the mix, or circumstances change and you have to get them to school or pre-school or both. The books are great as long as you don't actually have anyone else to deal with or anywhere to be!

Today, there was an incident on a gentle parenting group. It's a lovely group full of like minded mums who are just trying to raise their children as gently as they can. Many of us are screwing up along the way and some days have to have a good old rant to get ourselves back to where we want to be. Very occasionally, like today, you get a parent doing the big announcement that they are leaving because "its too negative". Why do the big announcement? just leave! All it then does is make everyone else, who has ever moaned, feel like shit. "We really should be enjoying every second" we all think. "It must be me, I'm a bad mum, it looks like I don't love my kids"... I admit I was thinking the same and was actually quite pissed off.

I have now calmed down and taken a step back. Many of the gentle parenting books I have read stress how important it is to acknowledge your child's feelings and allow them to express their feelings. Yet some parents feel it's somehow bad to allow yourself to do the same? This makes little sense to me. Whilst I am not proud of the fact I raise my voice, say stupidly unkind things at times and totally go off track, I am being me. I would rather be congruent with my children, apologise when I screw up and for them to know I'm not perfect. I want a relationship with them built on trust. I don't want to be a fake "perfect" mum never showing her feelings.

Parenting can be hard, its so hard that some days it's impossible. None of us have gone into this with training or experience and its not a job you can quit if you find yourself pretty rubbish at it. All we can do is our best, acknowledge where we screwed up and try a bit harder next time.

So for anyone else who is on a group judging those other mums for having a tough time, look long and hard at youself. What right do you have to judge anyone? You have no idea what is going on in their life. Carry on being that perfect parent to your child and let other mums moan, winge, cry and reach out for the support of fellow mums who are often struggling aswell...

"You're so lucky, I wish I could afford to stay home"

 

Before I go any further I need to make this clear; If you are a mum who is in paid employment full time, you are a great mum. If you are a mum who is in paid employment part time, you are a great mum and if you are a mum who is at home raising your children full time, you are a great mum. We are all working mums who want the very best for our children, they are our world!
 
I know many mums.. Some really do have to work full time to break even and I feel for them. Thanks to this crappy government, families with one parent at home are unsupported. They expect both parents to be in paid employment and do not recognise the fact the mum at home is raising the next generation. If she was looking after someone else's child she would be "working hard", if she looks after her own child? She's "not working". You also have some mums who want to go back to work for "a break", I get that, I so get that, I certainly don't judge them for that decision.

So now I have made that clear I will continue.. After I had Ollie I returned to work part time, two days a week. Those two days were a break, I was the mum mentioned above needing a break. When Harrison came along I knew he would be my last and I didn't want to miss anything. I looked at our finances and soon realised that we were unlikely to break even each month. This was not going to stop me, I will simply get an evening job. I looked around and came to the conclusion that my options were; shop work, cleaning or care work. I went for shop work as it meant less hours at the weekend. I worked in a supermarket stacking shelves and it was possibly the crappiest job I have ever had, I lasted 2 years and finally quit when my eldest went to school. I was now a stay at home mum.

During this time, things were tight. We had a clapped out 3 door Corsa as our family car, we cancelled our TV package to the basic and we pretty much bought everything secondhand. I always kept in my mind that my parents had it harder in their day as they didn't even have a fridge! If ever I had to buy anything I would shop around and shop around again. I would even go from shop to shop to find the cheapest wrapping paper at Christmas. Everyday we would be counting the pennies and never had enough to "put aside for a rainy day".  Thankfully, about a year in, my uncle bought us a car and helped out with the mortgage, that made a huge difference.

So here I am now, still a stay at home mum, but also a student, who is studying counselling, a volunteer and I also set up a small babysitting business. I rarely go out, I don't buy new clothes very often at all, and we have cheap holidays in term time (and no that's not abroad.. its a UK caravan holiday).

What gets me most is how the media portrays stay at home mums. We are not all "looked after woman" with rich husbands. For many of us this is not "a lifestyle choice", its simply what we believe needs to happen for our family.  As I pointed out before, some mums have zero choice about returning to work but there are also mums who have made that "lifestyle choice" to return. I just wish they would take time to look at their lifestyle compared to the stay at home mums before they say "I wish I could afford to stay at home."

Those really annoying questions...

When you enter motherhood you will be asked an abundance of predictable questions.These questions aren't really irritating first time round, but after a while you hear that little voice in your head saying "oh please just shut up". Now it's not the other mum being nasty (well at least I don't think it is), it may even be a mum just trying to make that connection with you, I've probably even asked these questions myself at some point, but all the same, I find them annoying...So here goes:

"Is he/she a good baby?" OK.. "good?" Do you really mean "is your baby interfering with your life too much?" Well my answer to that would have been "of course they are, they have been inside me for over 9 months, even though my baby is adjusting to the outside world, they don't have a clock to tell them what time of day it is, they scream as they are in pain with colic and they need me 24/7" Is that a bad baby? I prefer to use the words "slightly more challenging". So to answer you question; "no my baby is not good".

"Is he sleeping through the night yet?" Now this one was likely to result in an injured party second time round had I still attended mainstream baby groups. What is the obsession with this? Seriously, it makes new mothers think they are doing something wrong when their baby is totally normal, it results in breastfeeding relationships (for mums who want to continue) to fall apart and overall it is ANNOYING for those with a non sleeping baby! Babies are not meant to sleep through at a young age as they have a totally different sleep pattern to us. If you had a "good" baby that slept through, FANTASTIC! Feel relieved, enjoy that sleep but don't plaster it all over facebook every day. Your baby may well sleep through the night but you may have a nightmare of a toddler waking up. Stay silently smug so you don't look like a tit later on.

"Does that not hurt your back?" This question has been asked so many times over the years whilst I've had my baby, my toddler and even my 3 year old in the sling (not altogether of course). Why would I use a sling if it "hurt my back?" Why would I be that stupid as to inflict pain on myself voluntarily? I loved the closeness of using slings and I also loved the fact I was hands free. It was also a bonus for other people as I am lethal with a pushchair! 

"Is he walking yet?" This question didn't actually annoy me as mine were both quite early walkers (Harrison was so small he looked about 4 months when he was 10 months) but I've seen the look on other mum's faces, when they have a 16 month old baby that isn't yet walking, being asked the same question again and again. Many of these mums are probably worrying, like us mums do, and what they don't need is some smug mother telling them how early their child was at walking.

"Are you still breastfeeding" This is usually asked with a look of shock, disgust (as your baby actually has teeth) and then the mother may then make a swift exit to talk to someone more "normal". Now I was lucky as I was surrounded by likeminded mums, who did not find feeding your baby from the actual milk source atall "weird". If someone asked me this question I had a response ready "yep I'm still feeding my baby as per the World Health Organisation guidelines of 2 years and beyond". Well I stupidly thought this would be enough to shut them up but I'd forgot one thing.. it was the "b" word. The "b" word evokes emotions in everyone so I'd often then have to listen to the mum tell me why she couldn't breastfeed (to be honest that part I didn't mind so much as it was a chance to maybe shed some light on her journey which was often down to shitty support). Society is really not open minded to breastfeeding a toddler, they are quite happy if you feed milk from a different species but from another human? that's just bloody weird!

"Have you started potty training yet?" This question is often asked on your child's second birthday. It's like an alarm that goes off.. "my child is now 2 I must get the potty out!" Again, WHY??? Babies learn to crawl by themselves, babies learn to walk by themselves and, believe it or not, as long as you provide the source to wee and  poo (ie a toilet) and let them know what it is for, they will eventually figure it out. Why the rush? My boys were both just over 3 when they decided to wear pants full time and use the toilet. We did not have to stay in for a week, we had about one or two accidents overall and it was a job pretty much done overnight. Now they are both in pants using the toilet, noone would know, or care, how old they were. Bin the potties and have faith in your child!

"Are they still in your bed?" Now remember I had a non sleeper and was living off a couple of hours sleep. If that meant more sleep if they were in my bed then so be it. Do I sleep alone? No! Does my husband sleep alone? No! Do you sleep alone? Probably not! So why do we expect  babies, who have been inside us for over 9 months, to suddenly cope fine away from us? Again, some "good" babies are happy with that, and that's great but mine wanted their mum and my job as a parent does not stop at 7pm. Both boys now have their own beds (they are 6 and 4) but my 4 year old will always end up back in "the big bed" Who cares? We are all sleeping and it makes no difference to us whatsoever. Oh and for those who think sex only happens in the bedroom, GET A LIFE! My "poor husband" will get just as much sex with kids in the bed as he would without them in the bed.

"What will you do when both your children are at school, are you going to get a job?" I actually have a job, thank you. I am a mother and for the first time in my life I can actually fulfill that role to a satisfactory level. I can finally tidy the house, I can finally make a decent meal, I am here for my children if they are sick and need to stay home, I can help out at the school more, I can carry on with voluntary roles, I can do my coursework from my college course, and I can actually sit down have a hot cup of tea and also go for a wee in peace, just like I would have done had I been "working". I expect as my children grow older this question will be asked more and more but my answer will still be the same " I am a mother and I will be here when they need me". I will cover this more in another blog as this is not a working mum v stay at home mum thing. We are all mums and bloody fantastic!

Finally, the last question isn't really a question and is more of an annoying statement made by other mums. Luckily, my friends in real life haven't actually said this as far as I can remember, but that annoying statement is this; "my child is so bright/advanced for his/her age". So many people seem to say it so surely, they really aren't that "bright" they are just normal? Even if they are mega intelligent, why would you boast about it? Embrace it, yes,  but intelligence is not the be all and end all in life and quite honestly, I very much doubt the person you are talking to actually cares how "advanced" your child is. For insecure mums it may even make them worry about what their own child is doing. I purposely avoid all conversations about academic ability with mums, I look at my own child and how they are progressing and refuse to compare. It is so easy to get drawn into the whole "is my child on the same reading book as your child" etc.. but you know what? Life is a marathon not a sprint and as long as my boys are kind, happy and trying their best then I am more than happy.

So that's my list so far, I have no doubts that as time goes by there will be many more annoying questions, and then we will have to do them all over again when we have grandchildren! Oh the joy!

"Enjoy those moments, they grow up so fast"

How many times have you heard "enjoy those moments, they grow up so fast"? and how many times have you felt guilty for really not enjoying those moments even though you "should" be?

As you can probably guess from my earlier blogs, I don't find parenting easy and I'm the first to admit that. Infact, I find it near on impossible some days and wonder why the hell I decided to stay at home and raise my boys full time as some days I long  for that break at "work".. that cup of hot tea, that pee in peace and the fact you can finish a conversation without speaking so fast only parents with children understand you.

Now, I'm not a baby person. I've never really been a baby person and, although I loved my boys unconditionally when they were babies, those days didn't do a great deal for me. I loved the babywearing (still not a fan of that word), and I loved the times when they were fast asleep on me without a care in the world, but if I'm totally honest, the hard times did tend to outweigh the good. When I had been up all night, dosed up on pain relief jigging a colicy baby whilst crying my eyes out thinking "I can't do this", I wasn't "enjoying that moment", I was thinking "just bloody sleep, I need sleep as I will be up in an hour anyway to run after Ollie!" Maybe having a small person "need" me so much and depend on me so much is just not for me.. I actually don't want to be "needed". So the baby days were hard for me...

We then moved on to the toddler stage. Now this is a stage I loved. Everyone goes on about "terrible twos" but I really didn't find it that bad. I knew they were too little to really "get it" so I was pretty chilled out and just enjoyed those moments. Gosh, I've just realised there was a moment there I was "enjoying those moments". Anyway, those days were fun (inbetween the occasional breakdown coping with two... see previous blog).

Then came the 3's.. Noone tells you about three year olds, why don't they tell you about three year olds? I will tell you why.. You would never have children if you knew what was about to hit you. The "threeanger years" someone once called them. This is when everything you think you can implement as a parent you can't. All those gentle parenting techniques you read about are no longer working. Your three year old has a voice and will use it. When they are two and say "no", you think its kind of cute, when they are three and say "no I will not do that" It's not so cute. Now there are couple of books that I found really helpful, one being called "playful parenting". This book works. It turns a positively crappy situation into a fun situation and gets results. However, there are days, you are tired, run down, fed up and can't be arsed with running around acting like an idiot being all bubbly to get that result. There are days where all you want to do is just jump on a plane, travel far far away and leave everyone at home to fend for themselves. BUT remember "you should be enjoying those moments as they grow up so fast".

Then comes the school years (aged 4 and 5). Now I was considering homeschooling, but bearing in mind I was on the verge of breakdown from having two young children, I felt this may top me over the edge. I hate to say it but, selfishly, school was a break for me. Again, this is something that people forget to mention to you; that lovely child that has come through the threeanger years and is now a lovely 4 year old will become tired, angry and will be saying things that you didn't teach your child. You feel you have slightly lost your child. (you will also realise that if you followed an unconditional way of parenting, that all goes out the window when in the school system.. sorry). So you are now at the stage of your parenting journey where you get the really shitty bits of the day. The trying to get them ready and out the door for school and the major meltdown after schools. BUT remember "you should be enjoying those moments".

So now I have a 4 year old and a 6 year old. Whilst, there are still days where I have absolutely no patience whatsoever, and my 4 year old is being extremely challenging some days, I am trying to be more mindful. I watch them play together, between the fighting, and I listen to them role playing when they don't think I'm watching. I now have time to take a step back and take it all in as I am not so exhausted from the relentlessness. I am finally having times of "enjoying those moments".

Now mums and dads, don't feel bad for not enjoying those moments. Parenting is hard and there are days you may even think to yourself "what the hell have I done?" That's fine.. that's normal. Parenting is a rollercoaster of emotions and there will be good times and bad times and it's ok to say "actually, I am not enjoying this stage" You don't love your children any less.

One last point though, if one more person says "wait until they become teenagers, this is nothing", I am likely to punch them...

Going from one to two..

 

I heard a famous comedian recently say "having one child is like owning a pet and having two is like running a zoo". I couldn't actually describe it better myself! 

How did I find one child hard? I remember saying out loud "this is the hardest job in the world".. seriously? How? Don't get me wrong I wasn't blessed with one of those "good" babies who would happily just lie there, but compared to two? PIECE OF PISS!

Now, I stupidly went for a smallish age gap of 23 months. I really didn't think that one through as I ended up having both at home 24/7 7 days a week. There was no school or pre school break to "sleep when baby sleeps". Oh no, it was constant. Harrison (my youngest) didn't sleep well. Actually, HE slept well but I couldn't sleep with a baby attached to my boob all night long. He was also a baby that liked to be jigged. I was determined not to jig this time round but that failed. Why is it babies are happy when you are jigging stood up but as soon as that bum hits the chair they scream again? Why??? All I can say is thank god for slings. I have no idea how mums cope without them, I'd have had a breakdown.

When I went from one child to two I remembered what another mum said to me "you will have an overwhelming sense of guilt". She was so true. You feel guilty you are not giving your eldest the attention they are used to and you feel guilty for not even looking at your baby that has been in the sling for a few months, oh and don't even get me started on the completion of their baby book!

Whilst the baby days are hard, I hate to break it to you, but when the youngest is on the move it gets a whole lot harder. Harrison walked at 10 months, 10 months! I wanted a baby that sat still contently for well over a year, I was promised I would not get two children the same.. Bollocks, you can most definitley end up with two lively children that do not want to sit still, EVER!
 
I was very lucky in one way as Ollie, my eldest, was very tolerant, kind and never retaliated when everything he was playing with was destroyed by Harrison.What was slightly more tricky was the fact Harrison was a hitter. I'd never had a hitter. Infact, I was adamant that it was kind gentle parenting that had produced such a loving boy. Rubbish! If hitting is their thing, there is bugger all you can do about it. I desperately searched for books giving me tips on how to raise loving siblings but they were all based around the eldest one hitting the youngest and not the other way round. We tried the "don't pay attention to the hitter and give all your attention to the victim.. Oh poor ollie, did that hurt?". Harrison was a year old, he's not going to give a damn!
The only option was to watch them constantly to stop a serious injury happening and, believe me, although tiny, Harrison was very strong!

So the first couple of years consisted of a trashed house (no time for housework as I was stopping eldest child getting injured) alot of dry hair shampoo (no time for hair washing as I was stopping eldest child getting injured) and being a sleep deprived mess. There was even one morning I was that tired I opened the door to the postman with my boob still out from feeding Harrison, that was slightly embarrassing!

During the really hard times when both decided to kick off I'd bundle them into the car and drive, gosh the mileage I must have covered (sorry ozone layer). Because I realised I was probably slightly unsafe on the roads I would drive round the block and then park up on my drive to sleep. I have a feeling my neighbours thought I was a tad nuts but I didn't care, I just needed sleep!

Looking back I actually don't know how I coped as it was just so hard. Having a friend who had non sleeping children helped as we would often have a play date at 8am just so we could sit down. Now the boys are 6 and 4 its so much easier. Even though they still fight they also play nicely which is lovely to see and makes all this hard work worth it.

Would I do it all again and add another baby into the mix? Hell no! I'm not that crazy....